Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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