WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
