The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
