Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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