Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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