Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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