I'm pants shitting drunk right now
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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