3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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