mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
