And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
