Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just invented taco cereal.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
