if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
