You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
