I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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