did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
