Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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