I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
