if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
