I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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