who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
