So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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