I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
