I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
