I'm jealous of your bromance
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
