i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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