put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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