half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize