Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
