i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
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Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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