My underwear smells like fireworks.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
