Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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