im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
3pm strippers are depressing
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
