I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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