she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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