I wish my penis had an off switch
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
