i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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