did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
