Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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