I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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