I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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