I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
