I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
