shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
