Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
