You just made me feel so damn special
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
