My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
