Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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