tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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