all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
