I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
