I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
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I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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