She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize