To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
whose parrot is this?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
