dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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