took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
