allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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