I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
