The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
