haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Pooping to opera.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
