youre lurking in front of me
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
