i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
